WHAT A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER RIDE THESE LAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN. . .
This post is gonna get a little more unmasked and personal, unapologetically.
I’ve been reading Decolonizing Therapy lately and Dr. Jennifer Mullan talks about grief and rage being along an axis and being interrelated emotions. Reading her book inspired this post to have me put my grief and rage out here into the ether. Link to this amazing book all therapists and mental health providers, and healers should read here: https://www.decolonizingtherapy.com/
The last three months have given me so many trials I didn’t think I’d make it through honestly.
I’ve lost so much; friends, specifically one that saw me at my best and worst the last 5 years and stomped all over everything I contributed in that relationship to the point where it’s unsafe to engage that person. I had two friends pass away during this time as well; one I recently found out just before the New Year, and that one hit real hard as that person saw me through my best and worse when opening up my practice.
My concept of home was shattered, and I created a new one as a homeowner of a condo farther away from the city that raised me since 2007. Being a first-time homeowner came with its own stressors. Juggling that while continuing to see clients in my practice, apply for jobs knowing I needed a more stable income source than my private therapy practice can provide me was my main focus. Pairing that with constant crying spells, negative self-talk and the trauma around the concept of home for me was a lot to hold. I would cry as I reached out to my friends on social media for support. I learned about appliance models and serial numbers, why home warranties are important, the badassery of living on your own being able to exist as I pleased, showing my actual vibe in my space and taking it in as a long-term art project. I looked up the appliance issues on the internet, and got over my fear of instantly breaking shit as I troubleshooted how to take care of this space I’d be living in indefinitely. I’d come to weekly therapy in tears and then would just have to keep pressing on until I was stably employed and fully transitioned into my own space. I lost a friend, left a bad relationship cycle that I’ve been reconciling with the fact of how much I enabled, and came out of the other side a complete shame-filled mess.
I couldn’t opt out of this ride due to my height this time. . .
I gained challenges, had friends from my past lives as a graduate student, activist, wannabe festival participant offer mutual aid through holding space, offering food, household items, contributing to a crowdsource fundraiser I created because there was no magical inheritance money that was coming to help me purchase my home. There were days where I’d wake up in my condo and I would just start crying; months of backed up tears because I didn’t stand up for myself with the last living situation I was in, buried myself in my work and my practice, hunkered down from my social life to save money for a better living situation on my own terms, surprising myself that I could attain home ownership after saving money all last year. I’d cry in-between client appointments, on FB messages with my friends, called the crisis line numerous times acknowledging that my pain was real, to not be seen as a villain from the last living situation I transitioned from, for validation that I had to leave ASAP before it got worse.
The tears, emotions, community, and literal shaking up of my life was part of this rollercoaster. . .
I broke out in stress acne as I put my cover letter and resume into the internet void, and spent most of November in interviews on top of seeing clients. I was seeing clients while burned out, and was not my best self. I lost some clients because of it. It’s really hard to take time off after a big financial purchase and to continue doing your job when you’re in crisis and don’t have the financial resources to take more time off.
Therapists are human, we fuck up, we engage in maladaptive coping when stressors come up, and sometimes don’t follow the advice we give to our clients. I’m doing my best to have compassion for this self that had to survive, hermit, and keep her head down while she emotionally struggled through these issues these last three months. My rage-grief was not pretty, and I was ashamed about it for quite a while, but I shouldn’t be. Sometimes fully feeling your breakdown until you move through it with the resources you have is all you can do. I’m turning 36 in a few weeks and the fact that I made it through these turbulent and traumatic three months is enough of an achievement for me.
While this rollercoaster ride finally ended, I wanna be more prepared to be focused before the next one comes. . .
In my most recent therapy session, my therapist encouraged me to make a list of losses and gains. Because I’m a Capricorn, I wanted to do a different kind of reflection for 2025. I took an exercise class and during our workout routine to Ciara’s “Level Up”, I started thinking about how to embody that in a way that didn’t subject myself to grind culture.
How I’m continuing to level up in 2025:
1) Getting way too comfortable with driving. Driving anxiety has been challenged since where I moved requires more driving than I’ve ever done since obtaining my license two years ago.
2) More training to help with scaling up outside of 1:1 therapy offerings.
3) Continuing with decorating my condo/living space I own!
4) Having a better work/life balance.
5) Hopefully add some color to my space. These white walls are taking a toll lol.
6) Accepting the way I build community and connections is going to shift depending on my capacity.
7) Knowing way more about my car than I do this year.
8) Building back my financial reserves, continuing to be on top of my mortgage and even planning ahead around paying down that interest.
I don’t plan on completing all of these things by the end of 2025 but I’m putting my intentions out there like I did for homeownership two years ago, and it happened!
How are you planning to level up in 2025?
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