How Do I Like What I Do Again? Is it Possible?

The Hermit, From the Chromatic Fates Oracle: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1664486563/chromatic-fates-tarot

How do I like being a therapist again? Rhetorical question. . . maybe not?

Without thinking I have to have the Answer and the Cure to my client's problems? 

Without feeling like I'm lying and gaslighting them through my platitudes and reframes? 

Without wanting to burn down the rigid bureaucracies that contribute to my burnout and exhaustion? 

Without feeling like I'm selling lies about how to feel better and cope with our collapsing world? 

Without having the "right" answer, coping skills, resources that my clients are asking? When they actually exist within but we live in a world that brainwashes us to find them externally and through other people only?

When I'm also just as scared as they are that nothing will get better? 

While grieving my brother who was neglected, hurt, abandoned, and tossed aside by the very same systems I participate in to make a living? 

Without financial scarcity? 

Without imposter syndrome? 

When suggesting and being suggested in my own therapy that mindfulness and grounding practices doesn't feel like enough? 

Without feeling like I have to spend copious amounts of money on all the modality trainings?

When the last time I used EMDR on a client it actually did more harm than good so I locked that away in a box to never use again cuz I didn't want to unintentionally harm again?

Without overloading myself and burning myself out again on clients? 

Without feeling like I have to take on every inquiry and tune into the suffering/scarcity behind, "you are the only one that takes my insurance (that pays out very low)", " Why don't other therapists take my insurance? "you are the only BIPOC therapist that's not full?" 

When bombs and genocides are being paid through mine and my client's tax dollars that I never consented to? 

When immigrants, green card holders, and even citizens that look like me or look like they don't belong/aren't from the US are being snatched up and put in prisons? Disappeared? Forgotten?

When the law is no longer a thing, but I have license mandates and ethics created by white supremacy to abide and non-consensually assimilate in order to stay alive and survive? 

When I have to mask and fake so my nervous system doesn't get entangled with all the things I hear in every session wondering why TF does anyone do anything to support and care for people? 

When my own clients ask me how I'm doing and I hold back because it's not "my" session?

When I'm worried that I'm not equipped enough to hold space and have a loud narrative in my head that I'm an awful therapist? 

When supervisees want trainings and resources that don't exist? 

When in wondering after every supervision session if I was helpful and I annoyingly ask like a child wanting validation that her MSW and LICSW alphabet soup and 9 years in the field means something? Does it? 

When I hear suggestions from other practitioners to create groups and offerings when I tried and all those things failed? 

When I'm told "I'm smart" and "you'll figure it out" but I've come up with nothing so far? 

How do you like what you do in a world where you're underpaid, overworked, and are trained to be a tool of assimilation into a world that is becoming more and more dysregulating to live and be in? 

When I dissociate in the middle of a session because of my own exhaustion or because whatever a client said led to dissociation? 

When I wanna be a part of the abolitionist social work and decolonize therapy movements but feel like I can't because I participate in the colonized systems to survive? 

How do you therapy when your mind thinks about these things in every client session, even if they're not brought up? 

Is it even therapy or do folks just need basic human connection and community care? 

Is there an answer to all these questions? Or does that answer only further gaslight and "grass is greener" mask the horrible ills of our world that continue to get worse? 

How does a therapist show up when that doesn't feel like enough, and they built a whole practice that they feel like they have to close because they don't have all the answers to these questions?